A few weeks ago, I was on the road and desired a coffee. McDonald’s was advertising their $1 any size coffee promo that they often employ in the winter time, so it was a no-brainer to pop in and grab a very average cup of coffee for a great price. To my surprise, there wasn’t a particularly long line. I looked across the parking lot to a Tim Hortons, which was absolutely jammed with people, most of whom were presumably buying an arguably equivalent cup of coffee (I say arguably because everyone I know contests that McDonald’s is superior, so this is what’s called “being generous”) for 50% to 100% more money and waiting in line to do it.
It’s a well-known fact that most Canadians suffer from crippling insecurity. Canadians are always seeking validation for everything we do. Hey, you know the guy and girl from the Matrix? They are Canadian. I’m sure everyone can relate to either being a part of this madness or seeing it from a friend or loved one first hand. It’s gotten so bad that we are openly bragging about Justin Bieber’s success. While I’m on the subject, people taking pride in the accomplishments of others because they happened to be born in the same bordered geographical area is dumb. Stop doing it. You had nothing to do with their success and Canada had nothing to do with their success.
Where am I going with this, you might ask? Simply put, Tim Hortons is a vampire that is sustaining itself on this foolish insecurity and national pride. People value Tim Hortons as a Canadian treasure, a place untainted by American influence, a place that invented the
double-double; hell, a place that was invented by a hockey player. People value this so much that they’ll overlook the shitty food, shitty coffee, shitty service and shitty lineups. Tim Hortons knows this, which is why they can continue to serve garbage food and beverages here but nowhere else.
Tim Hortons was started after Tim Horton initially tried to venture into the world of hamburger restaurants. Apparently, Tim didn’t know how a grill works, so he failed and moved on to something that required no knowledge: coffee and doughnuts.
I’m going to stop here for a second because this is VERY important; Tim Hortons does not serve doughnuts. From Merriam-Webster: a small usually ring-shaped piece of sweet fried dough. The key word there is fried. Doughnuts are a fried dessert, and what Tim Hortons sells are just sweet breads. That they are allowed to continue to falsely advertise in this way is truly upsetting.
Nothing Tim Hortons serves is fresh – absolutely nothing. Everything is pre-made and then reheated. The sweet breads are made off-site, frozen and then shipped to stores where they are warmed to room temperature. The soups are either frozen or from a can (honestly couldn’t tell you), the eggs are pre-cooked and then presumably steamed, the sausage is pre-cooked…I could go on. The coffee isn’t really even fresh if you want to nit pick (and I do) because they don’t even grind it. I suppose the only thing I could give them credit for are espresso drinks, but those are fairly recent and were just a reaction to McDonald’s. It’s plain to see what drives Tim Hortons place as Canada’s largest quick-service restaurant chain and it sure isn’t quality.
Which brings me to my final point: well, at least they are Canadian, right?! Who cares about things like overpriced shitty food, bad service from teenagers who hate their jobs, long lines and the cringiest commercials on TV:
You’ll notice that it cuts off right after the “customer” asks how they make the doughnuts. I guess telling him that they are made in a factory with shitty ingredients, frozen and then defrosted at the store would be hard to turn into a jingle.
Well, in 2004, Tim Hortons was purchased by Burger King, resulting in the formation of the holding company Restaurant Brands International. RBI is headquartered in Toronto, but the reason for that has nothing to do with Canadian pride; it has to do with the corporate tax rate. That is literally the only reason why RBI is headquartered in Canada. As part of the terms of the merger, RBI was (and still is) required to have a minimum of 30% Tim Hortons executive board members as Canadian. The CEO of RBI is the former CEO of Burger King, Daniel Schwartz, an American. RBI is majority owned by 3G Capital, a Brazilian multibillion dollar investment firm. Their goal appears to be branching out globally, which is appearing to be a struggle since Tim Hortons really, really sucks and no one wants to ingest their products other than hive-minded Canadians. That sure doesn’t seem to be a real Canadian company to me.
At the end of the day, I can’t and don’t want to tell people how and where to spend their money. All I can do is strongly suggest, and I strongly suggest that you people stand up for what’s right and stop patronizing Tim Hortons.
Addendum: Initially, Tim Hortons was spelled “Tim Horton’s” and the removal of the possessive apostrophe was deliberate. So the name doesn’t even make sense.
Thanks for reading Dear Canada: Please Stop Promoting Tim Hortons as a Canadian Institution by Alan Tisseman. If you have any questions or comments relating to this article, we encourage you to leave them below. For all general inquiries, we can be reached at the following:
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